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My name is Whitney and I am a sophomore in high school. I used to think that my testimony was boring, that it really wasn’t important. I had never faced anything very difficult or been brought back from anything very bad. Today I understand the power and value of that testimony, that someone has withstood temptation and never faced trials, and I wish I could get it back, but I know that God has a plan and a use for me, and I know that I am stronger for all that I have gone through.
It is difficult for me to share some of these things because of the emotional scars that I will carry with me for the rest of my life, and haven’t been strong enough to share them with many people until recently, but I know with God’s strength and wisdom, I have been able to share and hopefully brought hope into someone’s life that needed it.
I was born in June, 1987. I grew up with one parent a Christian and the other not, but praise God, I was taken to church. I went to in Smyrna, Ga where I was baptized at the age of 5 after accepting Christ in a Chik-fil-A parking lot. Even at that young age, I knew there was something missing and that I needed God in my life. By some people’s standards, this is where a testimony ends, it’s how you get saved, but a testimony is so much more than that, it is what God has done in your life since that time.
When I was 12 years old, my family decided to move. I resented the move, I was mad at my parents and I was mad at God. I didn’t know how He could do this to me. That fall, after I moved, my family was dealt a devastating blow, my Great-Grandpa became very ill and died the Friday before Thanksgiving. It was a difficult time, but I know that he is in heaven, and that was the only comfort I had. My mom, sisters and I started attending church together, and slowly I began to come back to the closeness I had felt to God. As the months and years passed, I began to grow in my faith and in my intimacy with God.
My freshman year in high school, things were going great for me in my spiritual walk. I was becoming a leader and felt so much closer to God than I had in a long time. Then things started to change, something inside me didn’t feel right, it was very subtle at first, but got stronger. I wasn’t as happy as I used to be, I couldn’t find joy in life like I used to. I became a little depressed, but it came and went and I learned to live with it, and, more importantly to me, hide it from everyone around me. That January I went to some close friends at church and told them about some of the depression I had been feeling. We prayed together and they pledged to continue praying for me.
Not too long after this I started questioning God and my faith. My doubts began to overwhelm me, I spent nights awake praying to God to reveal Himself to me, studying my Bible and reading every faith based book I had. Despite all I was feeling inside, I continued to be a strong member of my youth group and Christian clubs at school. No one knew what I was feeling or going through. This is an attribute I had always prided myself in, being able to hide things and not have anyone know me inside.
That spring I felt God moving in my life and I again returned to the closeness I yearn for constantly. I thought I had gotten over the worst of my problems and that I would soon be myself again. For a long while this was true, school ended and I had some amazing encounters with God that summer. But towards the end of the summer, I began to feel very depressed. I became suicidal and began to cut my wrists at night, every time not getting deep enough to do any fatal damage, but every time wishing it would all just end, but I was still able to keep my feelings hidden from everyone around me. I had been holding my emotions in for so long that it had all exploded inside me and caused a mess.
The school year started and I continued cutting my wrists, but hiding the marks. I got tired of holding it all in and of trying to use dull knives to cut. I bought a bottle of sleeping pills and was taking them to help me sleep which had become increasingly difficult. Labor Day weekend I decided to have one last “fun time” (which I really couldn’t have because I didn’t find much joy in anything). At the end of the weekend, I took all of the pills I had in the bottle, I was so upset and scared, I was crying out to God.
I suddenly realized that I didn’t want to die, I began to see that no matter how lonely I felt, God was always there and there really were people who cared about me. That was one of the scariest nights of my life I stood up for a long time to keep from falling asleep, and finally laid down, not knowing if I would wake back up. It is only because of God’s grace that I am here today. When I woke up I went on like I always had before, as if nothing had happened, no one knew, and I decided that I could keep up the charade. I was so sick that day, I laid in bed sleeping and the next day I wasn’t much better, but went to school, shaking the whole time from the massive overdrive that 18 sleeping pills put my system in.
I ended up being placed in a mental institution for a week as an outpatient. I got out of there, and basically had no more outside help, I gave everyone the impression that I was getting better and I believed that I was, I still had times that I felt down, but never anything like it had been. However, several weeks before Christmas I became depressed again. I didn’t want to die, I knew that, but I didn’t know how to let everything out that I was feeling. I began to cut myself, all up and down my arms, I would just cut. It gave me temporary relief, but never last very long. I knew in my head it was stupid and wrong, but I just kept on. I finally quit doing it and my cuts were discovered by my mom not long afterwards. I prayed to God for help in overcoming this, I gave up control of my life, I gave all of the things I had been holding on to for so long to Him and finally began to open up and let things out in front of people. I have not had a relapse since this time and I know that this time I will not because God is in control and not me.
There are other things that I have done since then that I regret. I had taken caffeine pills in the past but quit when my friend took them away because I was scaring people around me by how many I was taking. I thought I had self-control and began taking them again. I started out okay, but soon was taking up to 10 times the recommended dosage. My eyes were opened once again by my close Christian friends and I gave them up and will never go down that road again. Many months later I started drinking, only once in a while to calm my nerves as the end of school approached. I had control until one Sunday I just kept drinking. I got drunk and had to be brought home by my youth minister. I just praise God that I have friends and a youth minister that care about my well-being and safety. I will never do anything like that again, not because I felt sick, or I got caught, but because it broke the trust of my family, my friends, and more than anything, it was a sin against God.
God is amazing, that he could use someone like me. He has brought me through such difficult things, but I know that He will use my experiences to help others and to help me stay focused on Him. I know that He was always with me holding me during those difficult times, and that He is still with me. I thank God everyday that He did not let me die that night. I know that there is a plan and purpose for my life because God wouldn’t let me go. And if He has a plan for my life, He certainly has one for everyone else, and that is the message that I want to give to everyone, that there is hope, He will never leave you and that everyone has a purpose, even if it is difficult to see right now. God loves you so much that he sent His son to die a cruel death on a Roman Cross. May God bless and keep you until I may see you in heaven.
~Whitney |
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