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My name is Tammy. I was born into an average, middle-class family, the second of four children. We attended church on Sundays, took family vacations and such. I was very happy and my childhood years were wonderful and full of fun. I was a straight-A student, in the Beta Club, excelled at sports, and had lots of friends.
One morning when I was thirteen, we were traveling to church, and my two brothers spoke to my dad. They said that they had talked the night before about what the preacher had said, and they thought they would like to go forward to profess faith in Jesus during the invitation. I was surprised and confused. What did the preacher say about that? Had they actually been listening? And why hadn’t they invited me to go with them? Not wanting to be left out I quickly spoke up, “Yeah, me too Daddy!” So there I went, trailing behind my brothers at the end of the service. Our Pastor led us all three in a prayer trusting Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. Immediately, with great singing and rejoicing, the whole church went down to the Red River and we were baptized. I remember it all like it was yesterday: the small congregation gathered on the shore singing “Shall We Gather at the River,” the feel of the cool mud and pebbles under my feet, the handkerchief he held over my nose, my dress floating up as I went under. But I had no clue what I was really doing or what it all meant.
My life went on normally after that until one morning when I was fifteen. I was walking past the bathroom where my mother was fixing her hair. She stopped me and asked me, “What would you think if your father and I separated?” What did I think? I really didn’t understand what this question meant but I figured that it had something to do with my mother being unhappy. So I told her that I only wanted her to be happy. If separation was what she needed then that was okay.
Up to that point I can say that I never heard my parents raise their voices or argue. That night I heard it for the first time and my world began to crumble. My mother moved out immediately. On my sixteenth birthday the sheriff knocked on the door and served my father with divorce papers. My oldest brother and younger sister had left with my mother so my youngest brother and I decided to keep as much of the family together as we could and went reluctantly with our mother.
We moved from a small country town in middle Tennessee to the big city of Nashville. We didn’t move to the best part of town and my mother worked two jobs to make ends meet. Every Friday night our neighbor would back his car up to his apartment and unload two black garbage bags. We helped him weigh out marijuana into bags and he’d give us free pot. That’s how we got introduced to drugs and the party scene.
In two short years I had really made a mess of my life. I don’t even know how I graduated. I look back now and believe that God had His hand on my life and He was guiding me even then. One night I took inventory of my life and could see that I was on the wrong road. I decided to join the Air Force and get away from all of the bad influences and start over. I would be a good girl again and get my life straightened out.
I really enjoyed the discipline of military life and I excelled among my peers. But on my off-duty time I was the same old party girl. I didn’t know how to change and be good.
On Sunday afternoons I would meet some friends at the recreation center to play a board game, “Dungeons and Dragons.” Every Sunday I would walk past a guy at one of the tables in the open area, reading his Bible. He was always very friendly but I remember most that his smile and his eyes seemed to be lit from inside. Some Sundays my friends were late, and I would sit and talk with him. He told me about a great church off the base and invited me to go.
When I met the people at this small church I saw in them what I wanted; what I needed. Two girls befriended me, and we did everything together. I tested them many times to see if I could shock them or offend them by telling them about my drinking and partying the night before. I let foul language “slip” to get their reaction. All I saw was love and patience.
Two months later I went with the youth group on a weekend retreat. It was to a small farm in southern Mississippi. One evening during a time of reflection, everyone was given a candle. A large candle was lit in the front of the room and the lights were turned down. The youth pastor said the Bible says that Jesus is the light of the world and anyone who had made Jesus the light in their life should get up and light their candle. I had my head bowed and eyes closed. I could hear my friends quietly getting up to light their candles. They waited a long time, I think for me. I looked around secretly and saw that I was the only one without my candle lit. I was really struggling to understand about Jesus and what His death on the Cross meant to me. I felt embarrassed that my candle wasn’t lit, but more than that I didn’t want to lie or deceive my friends about where I really stood.
Later that night I really wrestled with spiritual forces, good and bad. I believed that there was a God. I believed in heaven and hell. I believed that one day a judgment would take place, and from where I stood at that point I was definitely going to hell. The pieces started to come together about Jesus’ death on the Cross. He paid for my sins and if I trusted in Him to save me from hell He would. But I thought, what’s the catch? What do I give up? I knew I couldn’t make Him my Savior without making Him my Lord. And that was another hurdle to overcome.
I wanted to give up drinking and partying, or did I? I wanted to, but the Christian life seemed less exciting and really boring. I didn’t want to give part of my life to Him and be a Christian part of the time. I was determined to give Him my all or nothing. No hypocrisy. Could I do it? Could I live with that; no regrets?
I sat alone on the gate post at the end of the driveway for a long time struggling with this decision. After some time had passed, I went back to the farmhouse without knowing the answer. My friends were waiting and no doubt had been praying for me during my absence. It must’ve been obvious that I was under conviction and several of them gave me hugs, words of encouragement, and even prayed with me.
The next morning they had a church service in the woods. I began to realize that there was nothing more important in this life than making sure I went to heaven in the next. From my perspective, the hard part was over; the price had been paid for my sins. So what was a lifetime commitment to live for God and to love Him in return? I still wasn’t sure how it was going to happen, but right there, in the woods in the cool morning breeze, with my friends, I prayed a prayer of faith. I believed Jesus was God’s only Son; he died to pay the penalty for my sins; He rose from the grave; He is preparing a home in heaven for me; and He will return one day to take me there.
The change wasn’t instantaneous, and I didn’t feel different immediately. But I did change, and it was evident to many of my friends over the next few days. You see, I didn’t understand many things about my new relationship with God, one thing being the gift of the Holy Spirit. God placed a new spirit within me the moment I put my faith in Christ! That Spirit was God’s Holy Spirit, and He began a quick work of conforming me into the image of His Son. All of those sins that I wanted to change for so long were gone. Truly it was supernatural.
God changed my thinking, my desires, my talk, even how I looked at things. I didn’t even realize how much I had changed, but a close friend would see me marching to and from school each day and when he got a chance to talk with me he would say, “Are you happy AGAIN?” I couldn’t stop smiling even when I marched! And don’t you know that God began to convict his heart and he surrendered his life to Jesus in two weeks!
I look back now and realize how ready I was for God to intervene in my life and that when He began to speak to my heart I was willing to listen. I had spent eighteen years saying “No” to God and hardening my heart to His voice. I am so glad that God didn’t give up on me. He graciously gave me His Holy Spirit to enable me to live the Christian life and to make Jesus my Savior AND my Lord. It’s been twenty-one years now and I still don’t understand everything nor do I expect to in this life. But as I heard an older gentleman reply when asked how he knew he was saved, “Once I was blind, but now I see.” That’s it in a nutshell. Because I know God keeps His promises, I have an eternal home in heaven waiting for me someday. God says that, “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.”(1Cor.2:9 NIV) Heaven- don’t miss it for the world. |
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